Tips for EMPATHS - Setting Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy energetic boundaries Guilt-free What a week I had! Today is the first day I feel like myself again.I feel like I had a fog lifted off my head and got my energy back. Being an empath, I feel and absorb what others are feeling. This week working in a school with over 200+ kids teaching meditation and mindfulness, seeing my 1:1 clients, teaching my own private kids and adult workshops, and handling my own personal endeavors…it was a very busy week. One in which I didn’t give myself the proper and well deserved time to love and recharge my energy. I didn’t realize that I was zapped.
Even those who don’t recognize the concept of being energetically zapped, somehow know that the people with whom we are surrounding ourselves with influence us. Positive/negative – its energy. Relationships are always an energy exchange. To stay feeling our best, we must ask ourselves: Who gives us positive energy? Who zaps it? It’s important to be surrounded by supportive, heart-centered people who make us feel safe and loved. It’s equally important to pinpoint the emotional vampires, who, whether they intend to or not, leech our energy and make us feel lethargic after connecting with them.
If after careful introspection we don’t discover traces of memories of our personal stories or other elements that could justify our sudden emotional shifts, it’s very likely it’s due to the negative energy of the person we talk to or surround ourselves with. It’s like entering a room full of smoke and then our clothes, our hair, our body absorbed that smell. Similarily, finding ourselves in the middle of emotional negativity we can we fill our minds up with worry and anxiety, unknowingly. When we’re breathing in strong scents, the body reacts by repelling them and preventing access to the respiratory tract. The way we get rid of the polluted energy is by coughing, clearing our throat, a rash, a pimple, tearing, etc. In energetic terms, the same happens when we are in contact with negative energy: it provokes an emotional and physical reaction that puts a strain on our entire being.
We know right away after spending some time with certain people if we feel happy and safe or the opposite, exhausted, drained and are in a bad mood. You may feel an emotional shift that just manifests itself as discomfort, frustration, anger, or combination of these not-so-pleasant emotions that seem to come out of nowhere.You know right away when you have absorbed some nonsense from others – when you say the words out loud, “I don’t feel like myself today”. BAM – those are the magic words that validate, that the energy on you, within you, isn’t yours. It doesn’t belong to (go back to your owner ______).
To stay feeling our best, we must ask ourselves: Who gives us positive energy and feeds our soul? Who takes it away knowingly or unknowingly? It’s important to be surrounded by loving, heart-centered people who make us feel safe and secure and allow us to resonate in our true selves. It’s just as important to pinpoint the emotional vampires, who, whether they intend to or not, grab on to us and leech our energy.
They can appear like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, in fact, even when a person appears to be kind and sweet, they can emanate negative energy.You’re not inside their heads to read what’s really going on in there.
There are different kinds of energy vampires…. I’m just going to name a few popular ones that I’m certain we could all relate to. First, there are the victim vampires, who always complain about everyone else, the weather, themselves, their partners, their lack of anything and how the Universe is conspiring solely against them – and no one else. Then, there are the jealous vampires who compare themselves to others and when they look at you, something about you reminds them of everything that they “think” they lack in their lives and that it’s “unfair”. Now, let me present, the nasty criticizer vampire…who walks around with their microscope waiting for you to f*#! up and throw it in your face. Or perhaps criticize your looks, your choices… your life. You know the ones, that come up to you after not seeing you for years and tell you “Wow, you look like you added a few pounds (looong pause) oh, but it looks so good on you.” Just kindly respond back to them, “thank you darling…. I’m so happy you care so much about me to notice.” How about the vampire who is a narcissist bully that makes you believe you’re unworthy and unlovable and that you don’t deserve better? Have you seen the 1944 movie, Gaslight? It’s about a complete narcissist husband who manipulates his wife to think she’s going crazy. Next, the Drama Queen…or Drama King...who with their crazy up and down antics can put you on overload of OMG’s and “You can’t believe what happened again!” They exaggerate minor incidents and make them off-the-charts dramas. Then, there is the “scapegoater” AKA the blamer vampire –who’s hands are always clean and it’s everyone else’s fault. They’re always the innocent bystanders and complain about everyone and everything. And then, we must not forget about the emotional blackmailer who will make you feel guilty and talk you into something that you know isn’t OK and doesn’t resonate with your soul but you still do it, because you “feel bad”. And then at the end of these meetings, situations, whatever it was, you’re the one feeling drained, tired, weak, lethargic, depressed, have a fear of asserting yourself, zapped, etc… Now, c’mon!
Here’s the deal…, here’s the method how these sneaky energetic mofo vampires work. They go in for the kill by stirring up your emotions. They KNOW exactly which buttons to push to throw you off your center, they go for your Achilles heel. They know what your weakness is. They will take advantage of your kindness…and if you’re an empath like me…we’re most susceptible. If you’re under the weather, or had one cocktail too many, or smoke, etc… you’re susceptible as well. Your energetic field is weaker if you are surrounding yourself in unhealthy environments and putting toxic substances in your body. Also, certain emotional states can increase everyone’s vulnerability as well, meaning if we just experienced a shock in our system; i.e., grief or trauma.
I’ve seen and heard many cases of people who complain that they suspect someone is stealing their energy and this person could very well be a family member, a friend, a colleague and so on. When this person is around you may feel weak, angry, upset, not at ease in your own skin and, this feeling of discomfort may spread from your persona to your everyday life, filling it with negativity. It becomes a vicious cycle…and then we feel weak and we feel like nothing is working for us. We are energetic beings and when we accumulate so much negative energy from surrounding people we can get sick. You can actually feel it right away in your physical body – it hits you right in the center of your chest – right in between the 4th and the 5th chakra. And then it could move down to your 3rdchakra – your solar plexus, abdomen…it’s that gut feeling.
Here are just a few steps to set healthy energetic boundaries.
Step 1
Notice how you feel.
Focus on the way you feel when you are around that certain individual. Journaling helps…when we journal it keeps a tally of our emotions and mental being daily. So, when we are surrounding ourselves in different situations with different people, journaling could help us distinguish or narrow down who the catalyst is. Feel the discomfort and embrace it. We learn through contrast. This is the first step to set an energetic boundary and find yourself back again. By ignoring the signs, we won’t know what the root cause is. You can notice your own feelings and emotions through a meditative state or just focusing on yourself, spending time alone in nature.
Step 2
Practice detachment and learn to say NO.
It’s ok to say NO without guilt especially if you don’t feel good when you’re around certain people or situations. For me, although I’m super social, I need my space and time to recharge my energy in social functions. Being an empath, I feel layers of emotional energy from everyone and the places I’m in. I always need my own transportation whenever I’m attending an event and won’t depend on others for a ride. After teaching a lecture, it’s important for me to engage in solo time afterwards. I always end with a Q&A session but speaking one on one afterwards to my audience members becomes energetically challenging for me so I don’t do it anymore. Most of the time, I’m channeling in my lectures so once I close out the session –it’s closed… and I need to recharge my energy back. Instead, now I ask that my clients, if they choose to, to book a private session with me at their own time. No guilt anymore and it’s a win-win for everyone. Detachment is not an intellectual concept. Try to see “them”, the emotional vampires in an objective point of view. When we’re IN it –engulfed in the situation it’s hard to separate fact from fiction. We are too concerned with the nature of the characters and how they are making us feel. Make believe you’re an eagle and watch the situation from a bird eye’s view. Or you could make believe you’re watching a movie and it’s the part when the emotional vampire tries to get its prey. Watch or imagine yourself getting out of the situation safely, without judgement, and no guilt. It’s very easy once you practice it regularly. This technique helps, I call it detachment training. It trains our minds from engaging in the existential dramas of the lives of others. And not allowing their issues to become our issues.
Step 3
Not feeling sorry while detaching.
To understand the difference between detachment and altruism. There are often those who react indignantly and protest: “Why should I keep my distance and detach? I’m someone who cares about others and want to help and heal people? This does not mean that you don’t care about others or that you’re selfish. But you can’t help others if you’re feeling drained all the time. Put yourself first without guilt. You can’t pour from an empty cup, my love. Of course, when you try to help someone that you love, you always try to do your best, but it must be done without guilt even if you don’t get the desired result that you both were looking for. Let go of the feeling sorry stuff. If the phone rings and it’s that victim energy vampire again… you could pick up the phone and tell them kindly, “Our relationship is important to me, but it’s not working if you’re going to keep feeling sorry for yourself and just constantly complain. I can only listen for few minutes… unless you’re ready to discuss solutions.” I do have to warn you…they won’t take you seriously the first time…. you must be consistent and get ready to be guilt-tripped – big time – (a.k.a. the emotional blackmailer). If the energy vampire victim, comes back with disappointment “What kind of friend are you?” Don’t fall into that trap. Just reply, “I’m a great friend and I love you, but this is all I can offer.”Peace out!
Step 4
Stop trying to people please and take it one step at the time –healthy detachment.
Don’t be a goodie-two-shoes and try to force yourself on others by being a people pleaser. Sometimes it’s habitual, we may have learned it from our parents or our teachers that we must sacrifice our own happiness to make sure everyone else is happy. Doing everything for everyone and not for yourself isn’t going to get you the POTY (Person of the Year) award. Respect yourself and respect other people’s boundaries when trying to help. You can’t force a person to accept help, even though you know how amazing it could be. A person has their free will to choose. I remember when I wanted to help an elderly woman who was walking with a cane across a city street in Manhattan and she swung her cane and almost cracked it over my head. You could ask someone if they need your help but don’t intrude into their space because you think that they are incapable. It’s hard to do, especially if you are so used to being there for everyone. You know what they say when we’re in an aircraft… put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting in on others. We must love & save ourselves first before we could save others. That’s the way you will retain your energy – otherwise you will be the ONE running on fumes… and it will eventually catch up with you. One step at a time, every day until it becomes a habit. You, first, and then you will gradually develop an armor that you will be able to maintain without effort.
Step 5
Avoid gossip and protect your sensitivity.
Mind your business and avoid gossip. Gossip really drains your energy. The gossipee is just as guilty as the gossiper. Pay attention to excessive involvement in other people’s lives. We want to live and lead by example and lift each other up. Gossipers get so much satisfaction regarding other people’s struggles. When someone confides in us it’s important to remain in integrity with that. Never make your self-worth dependent on other people’s opinions. Don’t get caught in the trap of always trying to connect and please a fellow energy vampire by listening to the stories that they want to share about others. Refrain from confiding your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them. Learn to distinguish the sincere to the not so sincere.
Step 6
Create the time to spend alone and with loved ones.
Make it a daily practice. Connecting with others is fundamental for a complete and productive life but it’s important to spend some solo time alone. It’s in the mere silence when we hear the voice of God speak to us. And that’s when we get all the answers that we need. I know the word busy very well…I’m an entrepreneur, a healer, a mom, a friend, a wife…I run a clean and warm household and a heart based business. But one thing is for sure if I don’t put aside time for ME everyday – I’m doing myself, and everyone else, who depends on me a disservice. Every day I wake up at 5 am, I journal, meditate, work-out and begin my clearing work for the clients that I will be seeing that day. If I don’t do this, I feel weak and become more susceptible for energy vampires.
Plan at least one complete afternoon or an evening with people who give off positive energy and avoid the drainers. Notice how this beneficially affects your physical and emotional well-being. It’s soul food.
Visualization Exercise
Here is a little exercise you could do to protect your energy field. Just make sure you are well hydrated with H2O. You will use your own subtle energy as a shield. I always call upon Archangel Michael to help me and protect my energy field.
In the am after your daily routine/meditation…. First center yourself, say 5 factual (not opinion) things about you and then take several deep breathes (slowly inhale – hold and slowly exhale – hold through the nose). Breathe in white light and exhale any energy that no longer suits you. Picture a white light coming in from the top of your head going all the way down to the soles of your feet cleansing away any darkness or negativity. Just imagine or perceive it. Then feel the negativity coming out through your feet just like a tennis ball onto the ground and transmuting into Mother Earth into white light.
Next, imagine yourself enveloped in a cocoon of white or golden light. Picture, it as a shield forming a failsafe barrier around every inch of you, a covering that stops you from being harmed. It’s semi-permeable, allowing what’s beautiful and positive in, but keeping negativity out. Make sure the top of your head is covered and the soles of your feet are covered as well.
You have just created a simple energy shield. It doesn’t numb you out so you don’t what’s going on around you – it just simply protects you so you don’t feel suffocated with other people’s negative vibes and thoughts.
Practice your awareness. And be true to yourself. It’s all good.
